I’m not sure if this is the right medium for this sort of thing, but it’s late and I’m spiraling in my head. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about being fat. I don’t mean it in a negative way, because I very genuinely do love myself. Yet, whenever I make a comment to a friend about being fat, they automatically respond with “No you aren’t! You’re so beautiful”, as if I cannot be both. But I can be. I think I am pretty awesome and I can get confident about my looks quite often, but I do also acknowledge and accept that I’m fat. I get that our society is afraid of fat people or whatever, but I am so absolutely sick of people assuming I hate myself when I talk about being fat. It is so insulting when people deny the blatant fact that my body is fat. We see the same things- there are rolls hanging off of me of pure fat, I have thunder thighs, and my double chin is always present. I do not get why accepting that means I think I’m ugly, or why the word fat has to be perceived in such a negative way. I am who I am, that’s not changing.
All this being said, sometimes my body does bring me down. Not because of how I see myself, because I’m okay with myself finally after years of harm and misuse towards my body, but because of how society sees it. I’m embarrassed every time I go shopping with my friends, because I feel the sales associates looking me up and down- questioning what a size 20 in a store that only carries up to a size 12. I sometimes get so sick of having to scavenge for a way to express myself through fashion, because plus size options are often super limited. I hate walking down the street and hearing men say they’ll “have the fat one” in their snarly voices oozing in complete deprecation. I’m so nervous that I will never meet a guy who is into me for my “looks”, regardless of how great we could be together and how confident I am in myself. The world makes me want to hate my fat body, even though I truly have grown to embrace it most times.
~end nonsensical rambles~